Grit, Guts, & Glorious Winners

I think a good place for us to begin our torrid journey, o’ dear non-existent reader, is with the curious case of one Mr. Elisha Nelson Manning. You see, before last season Eli Manning was awful at football – atrocious! Fucking Cooper Manning was probably a better quarterback.  And he played wide receiver.  And has spinal stenosis.

However, you should not fear for the young Manning boy. One day in February, everything changed for little Eli. Here! I made a handy chart to explain this wonderful transformation.

Who doesn’t love a nice handy chart!

God football writers would have us believe Eli sucked at football before the third of February. Afterward, thanks to one beautiful night, he was amazing at football.  Only one game took place, yet Eli Manning transformed himself – he utilized sheer moxie and can-do attitude – from a fucktard of a quarterback to the best quarterback since Sliced Bread Jesus.  Mmm, delicious, delicious sliced bread Jesus.

How can we take anyone who believes that you can entirely judge a player’s ability on one fucking game seriously?  If David Tyree doesn’t catch a football against his fucking head, Eli is still the shit-storm of a quarterback that he probably is.  But, no – Tyree DID make that catch, Eli is a WINNER now.  Hopefully now he can be brilliant like Brett Favre (Jesus) and turn the act of throwing interceptions into gunslinging. It will be a symbol of his magical winner power, rather than his shittiness as a quarterback.

Fuck.