Grit, Guts, & Glorious Winners

Look at the Fuwa. Ponder their deep, soulless eyes. Know that you are staring into the pit that is death itself. The Chinese know. They know the truth of these adorable doom-bringers. Each one portends a disaster. Each of those disasters befell China this year.

Oh, look! What a cute little panda!

WRONG! This cute soul-sucker caused the earthquakes in Sichuan. This little bastard has killed more people than all but three of the other Pandas! Maybe four. They’re sneaky like that.

Jingjing supposedly symbolizes the harmony between man and nature. You know, the harmony that involves nature continually killing fucktons of us. (Insert hacky global warming joke here/)

Huanhaun. This is the “rebel,” responsible for all of those disruptions of the Olympic torch relay. What, did you think people suddenly started caring about “human rights”?

Here’s a test:

Do people care about what Roger Clemens inject in his ass? Fuck yes!
Do people care about atrocities committed against people on the other side of the world (it’s so far away, what can I do!)? Fuck No!

Yingying resembles an antelope or something. He’s probably responsible for the “problems” in “Tibet.” Whatever.

Now this one, Nini, she’s a real little shit. The real terrorist of the group. Fucker takes out a whole goddamn train. Why? Because fucked up terrorist bird-panda-lizard mutants hate public transportation. You’re lucky this monster has no idea about buses.

Beibei. The eco-terrorist. A town using too much water? She floods the whole goddamn town. “They can have all the water anyone could want,” she says. And she stares.

You see? The Fuwa won’t be happy until we all slump, dead before the stare of their soulless button-eyes.

But some still doubt their horrible power. Oh, they are just cute, cuddly animals. What harm could they cause?

Well, Stalin’s mustache was cute and cuddly too. Look at how many people it killed.